it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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