I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
