in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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