You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Randomize