I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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