I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
