someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
