the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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