I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
