youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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