Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
