Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
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