So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
