At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
