come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
