Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
there is puke in my bra ... again
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