Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Randomize
