Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
