Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
