my phone needs a breathalizer
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
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