I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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