I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
