I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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