I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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