i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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