what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
