This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
