I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
