Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
