The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize