I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
