cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
thus making me awesome and them whores
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
