Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
