i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
We need to rekindle our bromance
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
