i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
