im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
