dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
