Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize