This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
