I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
