in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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