i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
