i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
