Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
