anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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