So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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