dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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