I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
