This dress was meant to end up on your floor
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
