My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
