Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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