You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
zippers are such a cool invention
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
