Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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