the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
