I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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