My first STD was from a foam party
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
she told me i tasted like america
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
