So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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