Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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