i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
