I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
