drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
