I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
