he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
