If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I got inside last night via doggy door
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
