Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
