So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
