i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
