I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
