No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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