I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize