In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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